I still hadn’t read a single atheist book. My strategy was to solidify my theological views, then tackle the atheist books from this solid foundation. Now, dozens of books and 5 years into my search, I was gaining problems rapidly without solving much. The issue was that the various Christian books were very good at pointing out all the flaws in opposing Christian viewpoints, leaving very little left to stand on. For the first time I began to have serious doubts about God’s existence and the entire Christian belief system. Looking back on my story now, it’s difficult to understand how this possibility didn’t really sink in until the very end. But that’s the way it was…..”faith seeking understanding” as the saying goes. I was aware of the theoretical possibility of no God, but I didn’t really think it could be true. Sure, I had entertained doubts at various times during my life. Once I had prayed each day as a camp counselor that I could lead 10 kids to Christ during the summer camp season. When this didn’t happen, I questioned what had gone wrong. I had really believed that it would happen. Was it something God didn’t want? Had my influence led to more kids being saved than I knew about? In the end, it seemed that faith didn’t work quite how I had understood it. Still, these types of disappointments didn’t shake my core belief that, in the end, God was there and I just didn’t quite understand things yet. How could everyone I had known and looked up to be so fundamentally wrong?
The last half year of my search I began getting to know an atheist girl that I worked with. We spent some time together pursuing shared interests such as hiking and I found her to be a very beautiful person. We didn’t really discuss religion and there was, of course, no romantic involvement. But I admired her a lot. When she quit her job and prepared to move back to her home country, I realized I had a decision to make. I could spend a few more years reading every last Christian apologetics book in the hope that my questions would somehow resolve themselves. More likely, I would end up as an atheist anyway having missed a girl that I found attractive. Alternatively, I could see what the atheist side had to offer, and if it made sense (as I had begun to suspect that it might), I could see how things worked out with my friend. I had recently seen a story about a priest who had lost belief but for years did not marry the woman he was interested in because he felt it would somehow make his reasons for changing beliefs appear suspect, etc. When they finally did get married, she developed a disease and passed away before they had spent much time together. I was determined that this would not be my story.
So I picked off the shelf the atheist book I had selected months before as the best one to begin with, “Why I became an atheist” by John Loftus. Here was a former Christian apologist from a somewhat similar theological background, laying out the flaws in Christianity belief by belief. I was not disappointed. The straightforward simple arguments were a breath of fresh air after years of plowing through page after page of long-winded, convoluted explanations relying on questionable assumptions. The book gathered together all the various problems that had been collecting from my readings (along with some new problems) and presented them in a long, coherent argument that the foundations of Christianity were illogical. There was no question. I decided I was an atheist: the type of atheist that saw no evidence for God but was MORE THAN HAPPY to reconsider if presented with some. I didn’t have all the answers about what the alternative life would be like. I just knew I couldn’t accept a God any more.
Then came the hardest thing I have ever done: breaking the news to my family and friends. I phoned my immediate family to let them know my decision. I knew that this was telling my parents some of the worst news they could imagine. Unfortunately, I had not kept them very up-to-date so it came as a bit of a shock. They knew I had been exploring my beliefs for quite a while but had no idea how serious it had become (strangely, I myself didn’t consciously acknowledge the seriousness until the end). It was extremely painful for everyone. My family is very loving and we continue to have a good relationship, but there is now a major aspect in which we are no longer connected. Following the phone calls, I drafted an email to all my extended family and closer friends, explaining my decision and how it had come about. I couldn’t face individual phone calls, but I wanted everyone to know so they could understand my behavior at family reunions, etc. There were some initial conversations, which were good, but in general no one wants to focus on our differences at a family get-together. We want to emphasize our interest and support for each other. So related conversations quickly dwindled away. There have been a number of book suggestions in both directions and I read through two books with a friend and a family member, having discussions along the way. I appreciate these efforts to connect, though it certainly isn’t easy.
The other immediate effect of becoming an atheist was a sense of relief. The years of contradictory beliefs and pressure to bring people to God were over. I still had many questions about the atheist life but I could look into these with time. The most confusing initial question for me was how to decide what was right and wrong. I had somehow accepted the idea that morality was tied to the Bible and God as is often proclaimed in religious settings. I tried out several unsatisfactory books before coming across works by Peter Singer, such as “Practical Ethics”, where he works from a utilitarian base to explore ethical problems. This was somewhere to start. And really, when I thought about it, I already knew that ethics wasn’t just based on the Bible. Hadn’t I heard hundreds of sermons in my life talking about the consequences of sin? There were certainly Bible verses talking about what was right and wrong…but the preacher also talked of practical consequences like “people will no longer trust you” or “this will lead to misery in the long run”. These were consequences that didn’t depend on a supernatural being. I found that many of the “Mennonite ethics” had a solid secular foundation. A simple, anti-materialistic life had foundations in the environmental movement, attempting to fight the consumeristic lifestyle degrading our planet. Another of Peter Singer’s works, “The life you can save” lays out the reasoning behind an ethic focusing on the global poor and “effective altruism” is a method of targeting aid through the most effective charities. Some ideas, such as a concern for animal suffering, go beyond the teachings of the Bible or the majority of churches. On the other hand, though I have found secular communities related to common interests such as science or running, I do admit that nothing has compared to the intensity of the Mennonite community in which I was raised. Are there secular versions of this? Probably, but I have not encountered them and its difficult to imagine a commonality that could be as all-consuming as religious belief. These “secular ethics” are topics which I plan to explore in more depth in the blog as I continue to look into them myself.
I am now happily married to my hiking friend from work and we have several kids together. Not everything is perfect. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes work is stressful. But we put a very high priority on our family and are making it through the young child stage. I still care about the global poor, with the realization that solutions are not easy. We struggle constantly against consumerism, trying to find ways to reduce our impact on the planet and the suffering caused by purchasing decisions. I try to live intentionally and thoughtfully, in the hope that my lifestyle can be consistent with my beliefs. This becomes more difficult with the busyness of children and career…..perhaps this blog can help. I also hope this blog can help the younger version of myself, struggling through questions and unable to see an alternative lifestyle clearly. I was lucky to have extensive time to work through my questions, an advantage that I suspect many people lack. I also hope to help answer questions from those within the church about why some of us leave. I know first-hand how difficult these discussions can be. Here’s hoping my story can help someone else.